Bipolar + rape post

Hi. This is a whiny rant, sorry, but I feel really down and I want to get my self together. This feels like a knife in my stomach. This is my medium and I feel like writing.
I am starting to feel like I am bipolar. Or something else might be wrong with me. I change emotions rapidly, and I don't remember it all when it happens. My emotions are like a rollercoaster, and the highs can be very fun indeed, but they're pretty... manic. I sometimes feel like I am watching myself form the outside world. I don't own my body.

I'm sitting in my room behind a locked door and crying my eyes out on my bed. I have 8% battery left on my laptop so I'll try to be quick here.
I feel like I am nobody, like I will never accomplish anything in my life. I am sick, twisted, fucked up, retarded, naive, selfish and immature. I am an abortion. I am that left behind dead child laying on the pavement. Nobody likes me, nobody wants me. I can't do anything right. I don't understand anybody and they don't understand me. I have been alienated. I wonder why I haven't been killed yet.

I am fucking angry all the time and I am disgusted by myself. What if I could just get away? What if I could travel away from this world I live in and be completely anonymous? I want to be free. I can't. Because I am a girl. I have to be sheltered and protected by all means. I have to "fit in" the typical girl stereotype - but I don't. That's not who I am, I hang with boys, I'm into weird stuff, I love darkness, I love rawness, I listen to different music... Apparently that's dangerous.
I just had a major discussion about how I shouldn't meet with a lot of guys (being the only girl) and how I'm stupid and could get raped. How about boys NOT raping? Why should I cover myself, stay inside, shut myself down because some boys are complete idiots who can't behave?
I want to enjoy life. I want to chill with my guys and be myself and have fun.

We also discussed bad experiences; they say I should avoid bad experiences while I say that we can all learn from them and we all go through them, to some extent. I'm not talking about rape, murder, violence etc., but the smaller things, it's like learning how to ride a bicycle/burning yourself on the fire - you learn it through your own experience, not someone else's.
I burned myself. I feel from the bike. I've been "backstabbed". I've lost friends. I lost a wallet once. I've gotten a ticket. I've arrived too late at an exam. I've lied and been lied to. I've cheated. I've forgotten my code. All of these experiences are bad, but the positive thing is, you learn from them. I want to have (minor) bad experiences that I can learn from. I can't be a "princess" wrapped in fucking bubble wrap all my life. Life is unfair and it sucks at many points. Get over it.
Are my views that wrong?

It's spreading!

Music playing: This lounge collection: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8EDZJel1Ig
+ What U See (Is What Get) by Britney Spears, I Knew You Were Trouble by Taylor Swift and School by Calvin Harris

Some time ago, probably a year or so, I became interested in pandemics. I watched Contagion at the cinema, Outbreak at home, played Pandemic 1 & 2 and downloaded Plague Inc app for iPhone. At lot of people think it's creepy but I find is fascinating, not because I want to kill everybody in the world, lol.
Plague Inc is awesome, yet also frightening and somewhat realistic (except the zombie thang and neurax worm, for now... I actually don't know if nanobots are real). It cost me around 7 DKK and I've still haven't gotten all the achievements yet, even though I've been playing for many many many months and it has made me happy and pissed me off several times.
Wiki: "It was #1 paid app for both iPhone and iPad in the U.S. for two weeks after launch ^[13]IGN said that "Killing billions has never been so fun".^[14] Toucharcade said that "Plague Inc. will snag your attention in all the right ways and keep it there"^[15] In December 2012,Plague Inc. was one of five games nominated for Best Strategy Game in IGN's Game of the Year 2012, both for mobile and for all platforms."

Right now I've gotten 36/53 achievements and I'm missing:
Russian Nuclear Retaliation
Chinese Nuclear Retaliation
Tank
Boomer
Spitter
Is it a bird?
Use your head
Not Another Zombie Game
Who Needs DEET
Non Starter
Dead End
Big Bang
Getting Colder
Revenge of Osiris
Hide And Seek
Test this!
Breathe Deep

I wanna talk about some of the other achievements too, guys:
The End Plague: fuck that's easy. if you can't do this you shouldn't have a smartphone.
All the Unlocks: harder, but fun once you win them all.
Plague In Space: actually not that hard once you think it through.
Brown Streets: lol
Oops combo: hahahaha omg
Insane Bolt: INFECTIVITY! NECROSIS BITCH
Flash Mob: what is this; thriller mob again?
Is It A Bird? Vampire Bat combo: how the fuck. i've tried with the bats and the blood. aint that a vampire bat??
Jaws: apparently something about zombies.
Not Another Zombie Game: FUCK THIS ONE. i've been trying to get this but it's IMPOSSIBLE
Revenge of Osiris: sounds fucking sweet. can't get it.
Nuclear Ret.: I will get you one day.

And the plague types:
Bacteria: it's cute
Virus: this fucker mutates all the time
Fungus: this. spreads. slowly.
Parasite: ok
Prion: very subtle and hard to cure :)
Nano-virus: no. no. NO.
Bio-weapon: OMG NO. NO. NO.
Neurax Worm: i think this is almost the easiest one. you don't have to kill people and you can control some planes. it's fun to get people to worship the worm. the worm illustrations are sweeet.
Necroa Virus: fuuuck this is a weird game. you can also win the game even when cure is 100%. the zombie illustrations are hella neat.
Immune Plague: sweet
Hidden Plague: okay
Unlimited Plague: orgasm

Moving up

Music playing: 
I Want Your Love by Chic, Lounge Beats 8 by DJ Paulo Arruda and Get Lucky by Daft Punk


!Hola everyone!

It's been such a long time since I've taken time to actually sit down and write something just for the pleasure of collecting my thoughts. I've started to think about using blogger, youtube and tumblr more, because I love the internet and the free, quick and easy communication it provides. Of course, there are people who don't like what I post, but to them I say, feel free to go fuck yourselves... at least that will bring someone joy. I have some thousand views on my youtube, blogger and many followers on tumblr so I thought I could use these wonderful platforms to create discussion and openness about my life and not just leave them to dry out in a binary way. So my title is finally coming to use: Vici's Life in Binary!

There has happened fucked up things, great things, new things, frustrating things and things are gonna happen in the next couple of years that I'm nervous about, but that's another discussion.
I've also thought about getting a little notebook or jar to write good things in/things I'm thankful for.
Sometimes life can seem sad and lifeless, and I thought that might be a good idea to reflect (as Giddens, Bauman & Beck said it, we live in the late modernity haha) on life in general. I've also downloaded a lot of Depeche Mode, lounge music and Daft Punk lately. And also Dido because I like her voice, and the soundtrack from Contagion by Cliff Martinez because it's CREEPY AS FUCK. It just crawls under my skin.

I've met a lot of nice people IRL and on the interwebz, and that is surely great. Especially the chicks, they just keep coming.

Chrimsu visited last week (friday-saturday) because of Distortion and he slept in our living room. I was actually a bit nervous when he couldn't text me back, but then he showed up with bloody feet and everything's was alright. He was wearing high black buffalos, a long white raincoat, pink clothes and rocking blue hurr. It was really nice talking to him!

My class is about to order the "student wagon" for 3.g (last year in high school) but I don't feel excited at all. I feel like I'm getting dumber each day and that I have achieved nothing and therefore don't deserve to celebrate all the time. I've also stopped getting very drunk at parties because I feel that it ruins me from the inside and out and that it's expensive and overrated. But that's just my POV, I don't judge people unless they force others to do stuff.

At the moment I've been studying for religion exam (which in on thursday!!) and I've read and read and read and... fucking tried to remember everything from Religion in general, Islam, Christianity, Buddhism and Religion criticism. I like religion, I would've liked to have it next year too, but we're gonna have, um... mythology? Yeah, and I can't use that in real life, can I? I don't know if I believe in anything, I've been raised catholic, but I feel like I'm a mixture of agnostic/buddhist/protestant/ and I keep changing my mind through experiences. But I will always "believe" in treating others the way I'd like to be treated.
I've also got to return the traditional and necessary SRO, about 14 pages, about hooliganism in the book The Football Factory. I haven't really started yet because I'm reading all the background material and it is so confusing. I can't even sleep and when I'm thinking of it  my stomach hurts!
I also have to return a synopsis for AT7 and present it. I'm writing about young people and plastic surgery and why they choose it/the effects of it.
And, last, I have to take part in the danish test, and I was kicking ass in that once, but now I apparently suck at it, so I will hope for 4-7 as highest grade.

After that I will design two tattoos for my two friends, Muffin and Dub Dub Rhino, which will certainly be interesting. Lots of roses involved, of course.
When the summer is over, I will be moving up, up to a new grade, the final one in high school in DK that is. I think I'll apply for design school in CPH if I ever get that good, because as I see it there are only 3 things I'm good at:

• being creative as fuck
• drawing clothes, furniture, buildings etc
• looking fab on pictures
• being overly introvert... oops that's not a good thing these days, sorry!

So that's it. I'm carefully planning the days and enjoying the hot hot hot days when I can :) Oh, and I also bought a nude nail polish and a nude lipstick. Because I dig nude now!

Smell u l8r 

 – Lé Vici