Image from AgentXPQ's video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjxggGYHYOk
Through high school I feel like I've gone through some stages:
2011-2012 1.g: the weird hyperactive colourful girl (I acted like a child and talked a lot)
2012-2013 2.g the depressed revengeful girl (I acted sad and I argued with people, I also changed class because I wanted people with higher working standard)
2013-2014 3.g: the ??? girl
I'm 18 years old now, but I've never felt my real age. I always feel like I'm either 10, 40 or 80... And I also feel like I'm neither a girl or a boy, I somehow feel "genderless" if you can call it that. I also don't fit in anywhere, and I have 2-3 friends whom I trust more than anyone else.
When I'm in school I don't really talk/say anything unless I'm spoken to or someone needs help. Many students have thought I was angry, shy, weird, insane and the teachers worried I might have some mental problems. To this I ask:
– Is it bad to be alone by choice?
– Is it good to force people through "painful" and useless interaction?
– Who am I and what is identity?
– Are you only worried because I'm a fairly good looking female? I've seen many "average" or bad looking boys and girls being alone not getting anyone worked up about them. Shallow fucks people are.
– Can I be an individual in this world of high school? Or do I have to be judged by the people you are surrounded by?
– Do I have to like parties and drugs and specific music/clothing to be normal?
I used to feel bad for walking around alone, reading/working/listening to music. But I've read about it, watched some videos, talked to my friends and a therapist and I think that I'm more secure now. Just a bit, I still have my shitty days, but I sure as fuck won't let people walk all over me like they used to do.
Some links you might find interesting:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uhl7EWb3VYI
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f26/i-feel-like-i-cant-relate-to-people-51694/
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090929182918AAhsq6T
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loner
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mplseWnUUKs
And this is a very relevant question by user Diane:
I just can't relate to other people my age. I don't understand why?
I'm a 14 year old girl. I'm quiet and I only speak when I have something to say. People are repelled by me for some reason. It's like I can't even express my interests without everyone within a 20 foot radius staring at me like I just grew a second head. I just can't relate to my peers. I get no enjoyment out of watching or playing sports. I can't talk about my favorite shows without people going up in arms about my far more advanced knowledge on the subject. I enjoy reading and writing more than watching television or playing video games. For the most part my opinion on things is ignored. I don't drop my problems on other people. I enjoy learning about the different cultures of the world. That seems to repel people as well. Gossip is a load of crap in my opinion. The only people that actually seem to like me are my teachers. I just don't understand it!
So this was today's blogpost.
I hope you all get confident in how you are and find happiness :)
– Vici
Just stumbled upon your blog and this post really is an eye-catcher. High-school can really suck sometimes, but it's simply "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". If being alone means that you are searching for friends with the same interests as you, and not just some random person who is a backstabber, then so be it? I, for one, would certainly trade in 100 "friends" for 1 good friend, who will always have my back, and who I'll have a long lasting relationship with. I know a lot of people, who've been talking to psychiatrists, shrinks, and whatnot, but what they really need is just a little support, so to speak. Either from parents, or some other source. The world is simply made up of opinions but the truth is that opinions don't mean shit. If someone is whispering behind your back then fuck 'em, and move on. It's YOUR opinion that matters not theirs. Sure, when you're 18 you got all sorts of hormones coursing through you, mood-swings are natural. Just because your 18 it doesn't necessarily mean you're an adult, you are allowed to have fun, you know. The world is unfair, I know that (and I'm 17!), but I firmly believe in that while you're young you have to enjoy, because you're gonna regret it later on. College is where the magic happens - or so I've heard ^^
SvarSletThat's my 10 cents.
- J
I empathize with what you've been writing in your post. I've been going through the same identity-crisis-kind-of-thing, and actually kind of still am. Alone in the schoolyard is what I've always been.. And I've learned to love it - .. most of the times.
SvarSletIt has caused me to be curious about life, wanting to explore, taste and hear new things. Especially mathematics and philosophy have always been in the back of my mind. Having my own theories, experiments and discussions inside of my head. But,, nobody knows.. Not even my closest friend... And I'm not sure if,, i even want them to know. I want to share my thoughts, my passion and my ideas. But, I guess I'm not ready. Or maybe they're the ones who aren't.
Instead, over the past years, I've started to collect some of my thoughts in a simple notepad-.txt file on my computer. Just to get them out of my head. Out of my system, so I can move on. Melancholia have always been a great part of me, which I love..
And I've suffered from depression most of my life. And now i feel a certain feeling of comfort or nostalgia, dwelling in depressive thoughts.
I have opinions about many things, but i dare share them. Instead I'm trying to suppress them, keeping them for myself. Taste of music, books and movies is not frequently let out of my room. But, in the past few months, I've started to let go of the caution - which actually feels good. Even if people doesn't agree with me, or feel the same way, I know that it comes from MY heart. Now I'm beginning to show interest in other peoples opinions, widening my horizon and reflecting with my own thoughts..
I don't really know where I want to bring this post, but I want you to know that I, too, have experienced things you've been/are going through. The best thing to do, is to accept and love being who you are. Continue developing, and instead of hating the people who doesn't agree with you, or oppose you, learn and try understanding the reason of their thoughts.
I apologize for possible bad phrasing, English and use of words.
Sincerely,
the 40yearold 18yearold
- Gnome