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| https://themighty.com/2019/07/dont-want-romance-love/ |
Hi everyone
People have often asked me why I am single or haven't had many partners, usually with a compliment like "you're such a pretty, nice gal, how come you're not taken?!" so here I am, trying to figure it out for you guys, and perhaps a bit for myself too. It has never been an active choice for me; I wasn't interested in relationships to begin with. This is an objective, deeper look at my reasons.
Table of Contents:
- Lifestyle and personality reasons
- Intimacy and trust reasons
- Time investment reasons
- Pregnancy and STD reasons
- Violence and murder reasons
- Philosophical, biological and societal reasons
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| https://www.flickr.com/photos/johne777/9034319456 |
All my life I have enjoyed being alone and doing things by myself, even if it benefitted others.
If you look at old pictures and videos of me, I was always doing a small project or making toys all on my own. It has always been normal for me to live a solitary lifestyle. I have a quite small apartment where I do the things I enjoy; music, relaxing, studying etc. and I also have a single bed.
If I were to "diagnose" myself, I would definitely say Schizoid Personality with a hint of Aspergers and Asexuality, maybe. I don't know, I don't really care or define myself by this.
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| https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder |
Most of the times I’ve tried being with someone was due to societal pressures to “try it” or “find someone and live a normal life”, not because I felt anything special or romantic. It was always like a thing people bothered me with, so sometimes I tried it for the sake of it.
I also am quite an eccentric person and I have standards which I would want my partner to meet, for example:
1) Be for individual liberties 2) Be very futuristic, rational, creative and logical 3) Be against organized religion 4) Be against monarchy 5) Be ambitious and determined 6) Maybe like some of the music, shows and movies that I like. These things are all connected to my core values (except number 6) and I hold them dearly and do not wish to settle for someone who doesn't have these values.
Freedom and indepence mean so much to me. I don't have an issue with cutting toxic people out of my life (after giving them room to change), because I do not want to waste my time and life on such nonsense.
Freedom and independence are priceless.
Women also generally tend to favor more "dominant" men in their lives, while I would like someone who is my equal, both in spirit, in job and in physique, possibly.
My blood got tested for testosterone and androgens, and the result is that I have PCO and have more “masculine traits” than other women, for example, my very wide shoulders and intimidating/aggressive behavior.
I like people who lead interesting lives and do larger than life things. I tried Tinder and OkCupid once, but found that most people are not compatible with me and they also mostly want hookups (unprotected many times, even). I do not judge these people, but it's just not for me.
2) Intimacy and trust reasons
I find it hard to open up to people because 1) I don’t feel like it’s their business and 2) I have had some bad experiences with information being used against me later on.
It doesn’t feel right for me to share too much, it feels like a cheesy movie or something like that. Like a bad script, it just doesn’t feel real. It feels like something that I should do because every one else does it.
It’s very staged and painfully awkward, especially in Danish, since I express myself so much better and more naturally in English. This could be due to growing up “online” and with international people, which has led to an alienation of language, culture and feelings in Denmark.
3) Time investment reasons
Time is very important to me and I always try to make the most of my time worthwhile. I don’t like wasting time or being unproductive, because there’s always something to do or learn and I’m never bored.
I feel like it’s arrogant to be bored because there’s so much knowledge to explore, especially online. Imagine if these “bored” people were living 100 years ago? Or even 1000? Would they bored too?
Anyway, some things are a big investment in time. Watching movies is also something I’ve not done too much, simply because I didn’t feel like it was worth the time + you have to be passive during a movie (it’s not very interactive).
For the same reasons, a relationship is very time consuming and break up/divorce rates are very high. Almost every couple I’ve ever met has split up. I am almost 25 years old and have met like 4-5 couples who are not divorced (mostly immigrant couples). It feels like it’s an activity with bad odds to even begin with; AKA a possible waste of time and effort. It’s like a lottery with a low chance of winning.
I am also doing a lot of projects, which leads to less free time. Here are some things I am doing:
4) Pregnancy and STD reasons
Since I was a teenager I have been very paranoid about pregnancies and STD/STI’s – especially the ones that are life threatening.
I always thought it would be sensible for people to be tested for diseases and take birth control before any sexual encounters, but I have been very wrong and people do a lot of risky crazy stuff just to get some minutes or hours of pleasure. That potential risk is way too high compared to the reward, so I’m not participating in that lifestyle.
I also know quite a few people who’ve had abortions and I just don’t want to ever get to such a stage in my life, it really scares me. I don’t like the thought of being pregnant, whether I would want the child or not, it creeps me out and makes me sick. I know that this is not normal, but this is just my honest opinion. I do believe that humans will transition to artificial wombs someday.
5) Violence and murder reasons
Because women are usually shorter, thinner and weaker than men, we take a higher risk if we go home with someone on the first or second date.
Even if I would like to go home with someone, my mind tells me not to, if I do not know the person or if none of my friends/relatives know that person.
The playing field is skewed both ways; men have more opportunity to hurt physically while women have more opportunity to hurt legally/socially.
6) Philosophical, biological and societal reasons
Freedom and indepence mean so much to me. I don't have an issue with cutting toxic people out of my life (after giving them room to change), because I do not want to waste my time and life on such nonsense.
Freedom and independence are priceless.
Women also generally tend to favor more "dominant" men in their lives, while I would like someone who is my equal, both in spirit, in job and in physique, possibly.
My blood got tested for testosterone and androgens, and the result is that I have PCO and have more “masculine traits” than other women, for example, my very wide shoulders and intimidating/aggressive behavior.
I like people who lead interesting lives and do larger than life things. I tried Tinder and OkCupid once, but found that most people are not compatible with me and they also mostly want hookups (unprotected many times, even). I do not judge these people, but it's just not for me.
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| https://weheartit.com/entry/316190009 |
I find it hard to open up to people because 1) I don’t feel like it’s their business and 2) I have had some bad experiences with information being used against me later on.
It doesn’t feel right for me to share too much, it feels like a cheesy movie or something like that. Like a bad script, it just doesn’t feel real. It feels like something that I should do because every one else does it.
It’s very staged and painfully awkward, especially in Danish, since I express myself so much better and more naturally in English. This could be due to growing up “online” and with international people, which has led to an alienation of language, culture and feelings in Denmark.
 |
| Cher interview, 1996 |
Time is very important to me and I always try to make the most of my time worthwhile. I don’t like wasting time or being unproductive, because there’s always something to do or learn and I’m never bored.
I feel like it’s arrogant to be bored because there’s so much knowledge to explore, especially online. Imagine if these “bored” people were living 100 years ago? Or even 1000? Would they bored too?
Anyway, some things are a big investment in time. Watching movies is also something I’ve not done too much, simply because I didn’t feel like it was worth the time + you have to be passive during a movie (it’s not very interactive).
For the same reasons, a relationship is very time consuming and break up/divorce rates are very high. Almost every couple I’ve ever met has split up. I am almost 25 years old and have met like 4-5 couples who are not divorced (mostly immigrant couples). It feels like it’s an activity with bad odds to even begin with; AKA a possible waste of time and effort. It’s like a lottery with a low chance of winning.
I am also doing a lot of projects, which leads to less free time. Here are some things I am doing:
- Studying law (masters level)
- Working a paid job
- Working a voluntary unpaid job (Friday nights)
- Making music in free time and sometimes getting paid for it
- Doing modelling in free time
- Going to political and legal events and party discussions
- Finished Cepos Akademi and applied for Justitia Akademi
- Helping friends/family with legal issues and cases
- Renovating bathroom/apartment soon
- Working on drivers license
- Running 3 blogs and a YouTube channel
- Trying to find a cure for ear issue
- Having a sweet cat and taking care of it
- Having plants that I like to take care of
- Sewing/fixing stuff sometimes
- Trying to eat healthier and make better food
- Cleaning apartments and selling loads of old stuff/buying new stuff
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| Nicki Minaj AIDS tweet: https://twitter.com/nickiminaj/status/6248017667?lang=da |
Since I was a teenager I have been very paranoid about pregnancies and STD/STI’s – especially the ones that are life threatening.
I always thought it would be sensible for people to be tested for diseases and take birth control before any sexual encounters, but I have been very wrong and people do a lot of risky crazy stuff just to get some minutes or hours of pleasure. That potential risk is way too high compared to the reward, so I’m not participating in that lifestyle.
I also know quite a few people who’ve had abortions and I just don’t want to ever get to such a stage in my life, it really scares me. I don’t like the thought of being pregnant, whether I would want the child or not, it creeps me out and makes me sick. I know that this is not normal, but this is just my honest opinion. I do believe that humans will transition to artificial wombs someday.
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| Source: http://www.euro.who.int/en/about-us/governance/regional-committee-for-europe/past-sessions/64th-session/multimedia/infographics/infographic-stop-violence-against-women-download |
5) Violence and murder reasons
Because women are usually shorter, thinner and weaker than men, we take a higher risk if we go home with someone on the first or second date.
Even if I would like to go home with someone, my mind tells me not to, if I do not know the person or if none of my friends/relatives know that person.
The playing field is skewed both ways; men have more opportunity to hurt physically while women have more opportunity to hurt legally/socially.
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| Elia Colombo illustration |
6) Philosophical, biological and societal reasons
This is about the meaning of life and existentialism vs the expectations from family and society...
Should we date people? What is true love? What are gender roles? Should we marry people? Should we reproduce? How do you best raise a human person?
Do you get bored with your partner? Is marriage necessary these days? Can you be happy by yourself? Do people only like me for my looks?
What fulfills a person in life? And why should it be same thing that fulfills other people? Does it matter in the end?
No one can force you to live a standard life, but the societal pressure sure is strong, even though these times are probably the best in terms of individual freedom.
I think it’s weird how people expect you to have children, even when it should be none of their business. And parents gave you life, without you consenting to it, and expect you to have kids to pass the genes on and to have something to look forward to, which is very understandable. Biologically, of course it makes sense to date, marry and have kids.
But I don’t think parents should feel entitled to this. I think we all make our own life paths and form our own happiness, and I do in fact know a lot of childfree/childless people who live very happy, fulfilling and productive lives. I also don't see why marriage/weddings/diamonds are still a thing or why marriages are treated better by the law.
I am not sure whether or not I want kids, but I do want to freeze my eggs down in case I change my mind/find someone compatible later in life. Due to education and work, this period of time gets longer and longer and it doesn't match our biology, which is why I'm hoping for artificial wombs soon.
Thanks for reading! These are purely my sentiments at the current time (and most of my life so far).
It may change, it may not. I do not have all the answers. I am just here, thinking.
Should we date people? What is true love? What are gender roles? Should we marry people? Should we reproduce? How do you best raise a human person?
Do you get bored with your partner? Is marriage necessary these days? Can you be happy by yourself? Do people only like me for my looks?
What fulfills a person in life? And why should it be same thing that fulfills other people? Does it matter in the end?
No one can force you to live a standard life, but the societal pressure sure is strong, even though these times are probably the best in terms of individual freedom.
I think it’s weird how people expect you to have children, even when it should be none of their business. And parents gave you life, without you consenting to it, and expect you to have kids to pass the genes on and to have something to look forward to, which is very understandable. Biologically, of course it makes sense to date, marry and have kids.
But I don’t think parents should feel entitled to this. I think we all make our own life paths and form our own happiness, and I do in fact know a lot of childfree/childless people who live very happy, fulfilling and productive lives. I also don't see why marriage/weddings/diamonds are still a thing or why marriages are treated better by the law.
I am not sure whether or not I want kids, but I do want to freeze my eggs down in case I change my mind/find someone compatible later in life. Due to education and work, this period of time gets longer and longer and it doesn't match our biology, which is why I'm hoping for artificial wombs soon.
Thanks for reading! These are purely my sentiments at the current time (and most of my life so far).
It may change, it may not. I do not have all the answers. I am just here, thinking.
Do you want anyone to reply? Dating is a waste of time, means the person doesn't really want you, but willing to fool around for a period of time, until somebody better comes along. If a person is serious, they would want to get married and have kids right away. These are solid principles based on experience.
SvarSletHey O.
SletEveryone is free to reply. I'll get back to your other comment as soon as I can.
I didn't even get an email with info that someone commented on this, I just found it by pure chance.
I'm still sort of searching for what is "right" for me, like I wrote, I have no idea if I want to get married (I don't like the concept) and/or have children – and this might change with time. Have you found "the right one" yourself?
I do feel modern dating and life can be a huge waste of time, which is also why I prefer going my own way. I sooo wish we weren't limited by biology and time.
Best regards, Victoria