søndag den 23. juni 2013

Bipolar + rape post

Hi. This is a whiny rant, sorry, but I feel really down and I want to get my self together. This feels like a knife in my stomach. This is my medium and I feel like writing.
I am starting to feel like I am bipolar. Or something else might be wrong with me. I change emotions rapidly, and I don't remember it all when it happens. My emotions are like a rollercoaster, and the highs can be very fun indeed, but they're pretty... manic. I sometimes feel like I am watching myself form the outside world. I don't own my body.

I'm sitting in my room behind a locked door and crying my eyes out on my bed. I have 8% battery left on my laptop so I'll try to be quick here.
I feel like I am nobody, like I will never accomplish anything in my life. I am sick, twisted, fucked up, retarded, naive, selfish and immature. I am an abortion. I am that left behind dead child laying on the pavement. Nobody likes me, nobody wants me. I can't do anything right. I don't understand anybody and they don't understand me. I have been alienated. I wonder why I haven't been killed yet.

I am fucking angry all the time and I am disgusted by myself. What if I could just get away? What if I could travel away from this world I live in and be completely anonymous? I want to be free. I can't. Because I am a girl. I have to be sheltered and protected by all means. I have to "fit in" the typical girl stereotype - but I don't. That's not who I am, I hang with boys, I'm into weird stuff, I love darkness, I love rawness, I listen to different music... Apparently that's dangerous.
I just had a major discussion about how I shouldn't meet with a lot of guys (being the only girl) and how I'm stupid and could get raped. How about boys NOT raping? Why should I cover myself, stay inside, shut myself down because some boys are complete idiots who can't behave?
I want to enjoy life. I want to chill with my guys and be myself and have fun.

We also discussed bad experiences; they say I should avoid bad experiences while I say that we can all learn from them and we all go through them, to some extent. I'm not talking about rape, murder, violence etc., but the smaller things, it's like learning how to ride a bicycle/burning yourself on the fire - you learn it through your own experience, not someone else's.
I burned myself. I feel from the bike. I've been "backstabbed". I've lost friends. I lost a wallet once. I've gotten a ticket. I've arrived too late at an exam. I've lied and been lied to. I've cheated. I've forgotten my code. All of these experiences are bad, but the positive thing is, you learn from them. I want to have (minor) bad experiences that I can learn from. I can't be a "princess" wrapped in fucking bubble wrap all my life. Life is unfair and it sucks at many points. Get over it.
Are my views that wrong?

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